(Originally posted by Rasa Von Werder on her blog)
Rasa von Werder, who spent years in the Downtown Binghamton party scene dating younger men, is no stranger to discussions of sexuality. Born in 1945, von Werder, a self-proclaimed “cougar,” has been a bodybuilder and a stripper. A deeply spiritual person, she founded her own religion around female empowerment.
Last interviewed by Pipe Dream in 2016, von Werder has published over 20 books discussing these relationships during her years of partying in the area. Her most recent work, “The Man Whisperer: How an Old Lady Snags Young Men for Sex,” was published in December.
When von Werder began working in the adult trade, she soon became socially ostracized by her neighbors. She said that though sex work made money and had a few benefits, it does damage one’s reputation.
“You become suspect of having ‘loose morals’ or none at all — these moral codes being invented BY MEN to control women,” von Werder wrote to Pipe Dream. “Other sins are even imputed to the female, such as being a liar, thief, shady dealer, or druggie. These women are also seen as uncultured, unlettered & not so bright. Although there is some of that in the trade, it’s a stereotype & many don’t fall into these categories. But the STIGMA is there — the SUSPICION.”
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In her 30s, von Werder took a vow of celibacy as a religious commitment. More than 30 years later, she felt called by God to “have fun” and began going to bars in Downtown Binghamton, where she became a fixture of nightlife for around a decade, saying that at 63, she “entered the world of dating & sex with great trepidation.”
Upon reentry into the bar scene, she felt called to enjoy her life despite facing possible judgments from others. But von Werder’s presence as an older woman did bring some challenges.
“I became subject to a lot of scorn & confusion when I went downtown & was hob knobbing with the youth,” she wrote. “They could not understand why I was there. An old woman is not supposed to have fun, enjoy life like younger people. She’s supposed to be shut up somewhere, far from everyone, doing traditional boring things, hiding out from any excitement.”
Uneasiness people sometimes feel around older women “not acting their age,” persists to this day, von Werder said. This idea that women are meant to fade into the background as they age made her more determined to dismantle this stigma.
Over the years, she has had multiple relationships with younger men that she details in her book. She promotes and embraces the idea that older women can guide younger men in relationships. When faced with pushback surrounding these relationships, she said while many young people may experience shame about making these relationships public, some still engage in them privately.
Although her relationships have been unconventional, she feels that older women should shed this stigma. While acknowledging that women have historically been controlled through a lack of financial independence, she believes sex also has a role to play in this disparity.
“If women simply refused to obey males & their FAKE MORALS designed to control them — Patriarchy comes to an end,” she added. “But as long as women FEAR men & the rules of their culture — men can & will control them.”
“Women supported women, they did not compete or turn against one another to gain favor with men — men did not have power & even the paternity of the children was not important, as it was the women who owned all the resources & controlled them,” von Werder said of matriarchal societies of the past.
Regarding the stigma that many older women experience when being sexually open, von Werder urged women of all ages not to surrender to social norms.
“I hope to set an example of freedom to women who are considered, by old men, ‘over the hill,’” von Werder wrote. “Ratch up your confidence, young men want you, go out there & get’m. It WILL take courage but what have you got to lose? When you’re old what can society take from you? You’ve lived most of your life what will they deprive you of if you break taboos? Think about it.”
Original BU article can be found here.
