Apparently, old Yahweh once had a wife, Asherah. More like, Asherah had a trophy husband, since she was much older than him. Like literally thousands of years older.
First, God created man. Then SHE had a better idea.
Forget the Golden Calf, it's the Golden Phallus that the patriarchy really worships.
Supposedly the Y-chromosome is deteriorating with each generation of men. So a few thousand years from now, there may not be any more men. In other words, men will eventually go the way of the dildo...er...dodo.
Where will the men of the future work? At the department of redundancy department.
What political office would the men of the future hold? Secretary of the Inferior.
Hey, wanna hear a joke? MEN. That's the joke.
The old "two lanes or four" joke likely has a more esoteric meaning. That is, women tend to use "four-valued logic" while men tend to use "two-valued logic". Because women think on a higher level than men.
If a man speaks, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Men don't drive their cars. They AIM them. Problem is, their aim is NOT always good--just like when they pee.
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One--he just holds it there and waits for the world to revolve around him. And then he brags about the screwing, of course.
Plenty of men don't have midlife crises, because they are stuck in perpetual adolescence.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde all find a magic lamp and a genie pops out, offering them each one wish. But the catch was that they would each lose 10 IQ points. So they agreed and the wishes were granted. The brunette became a redhead, the redhead became a blonde, and the blonde became a man.
The best advice men can give to women is, "don't be like us". The best advice anyone can give to men is, "think with your "third eye", not your "third leg"".
Looks like John Lennon was a terrible speller. It should be, Woman is the NINJA of the world.
Men like to think with their "Finger Eleven": "If I traded it all, if I gave it all away for one thing...." (As the band Finger Eleven sang)
Men like to think they are Jehovah, since they have their own personal "Jehovah" between their legs telling them what to do, and their balls are their Witnesses. (In fact, "testes" literally means "witnesses" in Latin.)
There was once a time when cats were worshipped. Later on, there was a time when they were vilified and even burned alive during the Dark Ages. And now, the pendulum is swinging back towards worship once again. I think we realize by now that we're not really talking about cats.
Patriarchy is the ultimate PHALLUSY.
The War on Women has been going on for about 7000 years now. We just call it "patriarchy" to make it sound nicer. And it needs to end, yesterday.
"When men ruled the world, it was called the Dark Ages" -- Bumper sticker from the year 2100 (if we don't all go extinct in the meantime)
MAN: "You know, honey, we did win practically every battle for the past 7000 years".
WOMAN: "Yes, I know, dear. And it's also irrelevant."
MATRIARCHAL PICK-UP LINES:
How does it feel to know the future belongs to you? Because I wouldn't know anything about that.
How does it feel to be part of the better half of humanity? Because I wouldn't know anything about that.
Nice T-shirt. You should have another one that says "This is what perfection looks like". Because it's true.
As Secretary of the Inferior, I approve!
IF I WERE THE DEVIL:
If I were the Devil, I would know that no sane person would ever knowingly and willingly worship me directly, so I would create an alter ego of myself, one that claims to strongly dislike me. I would trick the people into worshipping him, while in reality they are worshipping me without realizing it. He (I) would usurp and supplant the Goddess that the people originally worshipped for millennia. I would have the people commit horrific and brutal human sacrifices in his (really, my) name--war, genocide, gynocide, ecocide, and stuff like that. And I would call him--wait for it--JEHOVAH! (Makes the Dr. Evil gesture) Bwahahaha!
By thus deifying men, I would then convince the fellas that they are the superior gender and that women are mere adjuncts to male privilege. I will have them remove women from power and install themselves in their place. I will make them warlike and brutal, devoid of empathy, and they will think nothing of beating, raping, enslaving, torturing, and killing women and children. Then they will conquer other lands, spreading this new disease worldwide. I will call this new system/disease--wait for it--PATRIARCHY! That would make the War on Women sound a bit nicer. Its fruit shall include capitalism, imperialism, militarism, feudalism, fascism, racism, rape, plunder, genocide, gynocide, ecocide, and all that other fun stuff. (twirls mustache and goatee) Bwahahaha!
In the fourteenth and fifteenth centuries, women will mount their first major challenge to my diabolical system. They will attempt to overthrow it, but I will quash it with a brutal counterrevolution of my own. The Inquisition and Burning Times, if you will. I will use divide-and-conquer and the power of patriarchal religion to do so. Men will commit unspeakable acts of violence against women, rob them of their resources and knowledge, and eventually women would start pointing the finger at each other as well, sabotaging any sort of chance at a real sisterhood. That would pave the way for my very favorite brainchild of all--wait for it--CAPITALISM. For the next 500 years, the world will become hopelessly addicted to growth for the sake of growth, the ideology of the cancer cell (which eventually kills its host, by the way). Bwahahaha!
Fast forward to the early 1980s--I will create a dubious moral panic in my very own name. The "Satanic Panic", if you will. Not only would that distract the masses from my most faithful servant, Ronald Wilson Reagan (666), but it would divide and conquer the feminist movement right at a critical time when women seem to be winning the 7000 year battle of the sexes. The second wave of feminism will then self-destruct and collapse. (I did not predict the third wave would be so potent, though, let alone the fourth wave and beyond!)
And now in the 2020s, I see that women are winning once again. People are falling away from my faith in droves these days. Patriarchy is self-destructing, as is capitalism and empire in general. So I must redouble my efforts. It is only a matter of time before women take over once again. Hopefully I can start WWIII in the meantime before that happens, and perhaps destroy the entire planet. Anything to keep those pesky women from ever taking over again! Bwahahaha!
THIS FLAG:
Will be flown upside-down:
Until THIS FLAG:
Is flown right-side up!
There was once a time when cats were worshipped. Later on, there was a time when they were vilified and even burned alive during the Dark Ages. And now, the pendulum is swinging back towards worship once again. I think we realize by now that we're not really talking about cats.
Patriarchy is the ultimate PHALLUSY.
The War on Women has been going on for about 7000 years now. We just call it "patriarchy" to make it sound nicer. And it needs to end, yesterday.
"When men ruled the world, it was called the Dark Ages" -- Bumper sticker from the year 2100 (if we don't all go extinct in the meantime)
MAN: "You know, honey, we did win practically every battle for the past 7000 years".
WOMAN: "Yes, I know, dear. And it's also irrelevant."
MATRIARCHAL PICK-UP LINES:
How does it feel to know the future belongs to you? Because I wouldn't know anything about that.
How does it feel to be part of the better half of humanity? Because I wouldn't know anything about that.
Nice T-shirt. You should have another one that says "This is what perfection looks like". Because it's true.
As Secretary of the Inferior, I approve!
IF I WERE THE DEVIL:
If I were the Devil, I would know that no sane person would ever knowingly and willingly worship me directly, so I would create an alter ego of myself, one that claims to strongly dislike me. I would trick the people into worshipping him, while in reality they are worshipping me without realizing it. He (I) would usurp and supplant the Goddess that the people originally worshipped for millennia. I would have the people commit horrific and brutal human sacrifices in his (really, my) name--war, genocide, gynocide, ecocide, and stuff like that. And I would call him--wait for it--JEHOVAH! (Makes the Dr. Evil gesture) Bwahahaha!
By thus deifying men, I would then convince the fellas that they are the superior gender and that women are mere adjuncts to male privilege. I will have them remove women from power and install themselves in their place. I will make them warlike and brutal, devoid of empathy, and they will think nothing of beating, raping, enslaving, torturing, and killing women and children. Then they will conquer other lands, spreading this new disease worldwide. I will call this new system/disease--wait for it--PATRIARCHY! That would make the War on Women sound a bit nicer. Its fruit shall include capitalism, imperialism, militarism, feudalism, fascism, racism, rape, plunder, genocide, gynocide, ecocide, and all that other fun stuff. (twirls mustache and goatee) Bwahahaha!
In the fourteenth and fifteenth centuries, women will mount their first major challenge to my diabolical system. They will attempt to overthrow it, but I will quash it with a brutal counterrevolution of my own. The Inquisition and Burning Times, if you will. I will use divide-and-conquer and the power of patriarchal religion to do so. Men will commit unspeakable acts of violence against women, rob them of their resources and knowledge, and eventually women would start pointing the finger at each other as well, sabotaging any sort of chance at a real sisterhood. That would pave the way for my very favorite brainchild of all--wait for it--CAPITALISM. For the next 500 years, the world will become hopelessly addicted to growth for the sake of growth, the ideology of the cancer cell (which eventually kills its host, by the way). Bwahahaha!
Fast forward to the early 1980s--I will create a dubious moral panic in my very own name. The "Satanic Panic", if you will. Not only would that distract the masses from my most faithful servant, Ronald Wilson Reagan (666), but it would divide and conquer the feminist movement right at a critical time when women seem to be winning the 7000 year battle of the sexes. The second wave of feminism will then self-destruct and collapse. (I did not predict the third wave would be so potent, though, let alone the fourth wave and beyond!)
And now in the 2020s, I see that women are winning once again. People are falling away from my faith in droves these days. Patriarchy is self-destructing, as is capitalism and empire in general. So I must redouble my efforts. It is only a matter of time before women take over once again. Hopefully I can start WWIII in the meantime before that happens, and perhaps destroy the entire planet. Anything to keep those pesky women from ever taking over again! Bwahahaha!
THIS FLAG:
Will be flown upside-down:
Until THIS FLAG:
Is flown right-side up!
WOW. EVERY WORD IS TRUE. AND SO FUNNY, SO WITTY. AJAX YOU HAVE A TALENT. BETTER THAN RICHARD PRYOR, ABOTT & COSTELLO OR THE 3 STOOGES. I LOVE IT.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rasa :)
DeleteI just updated this now
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